How One Birth Mother Found Authentic Connection Through Open Adoption

Kaylee Anglesey was 19 years old, attending BYU-Idaho, when she discovered she was pregnant in February. The conversation with her parents that same day could have gone many directions, but her father's first words set the tone for everything that followed. He told her they loved her and would support whatever decision she made. This response from parents who presented facts without pressure became the foundation for Kaylee's journey toward placing her daughter Posey for adoption with the Courtney family.

In this episode of Choosing Adoption, host Donna Pope explores how birth mother experiences can be positive when approached with authentic relationships, unfiltered truth, and genuine support from all parties involved.

Non-Biased Parental Support Creates Decision Ownership  

Kaylee moved home from BYU-Idaho a few weeks early to be with her family. Her relationship with Posey's birth father had ended, leaving her to face a deeply personal decision about whether to parent as a single mother or choose adoption. Her parents approached the situation with balance, presenting factual, practical information about both paths without pressuring her one way or the other. They discussed education, future relationships, financial responsibilities, and day-to-day realities for each scenario.

This kind of non-coercive, informed counseling matters significantly. In a qualitative and quantitative study published in The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, researchers Elissa Madden and colleagues studied 223 birth mothers and 141 adoption professionals. They found that many birth mothers later regretted placement decisions when they felt they had not fully understood the lifelong impacts. Because the decision truly remained hers, Kaylee felt empowered to own it and avoided the resentment that can come when someone feels coerced.

Her father voiced specific concerns about her education and future. He made it clear she would not drop out of college. While he would help support a baby, he would not provide full financial backing. According to National Center for Education Statistics data, young mothers face significant educational challenges. Only 40% complete high school by age 22. Her parents also encouraged her to at least explore adoption even if she believed she would keep the baby, reasoning that she couldn't know whether adoption felt right unless she understood what it would mean. This honest, pressure-free communication gave Kaylee room to wrestle with reality without feeling judged.

The Courage to Demand Unfiltered Truth  

Armed with her parents' encouragement to explore every option, Kaylee initially resisted the idea of adoption, feeling certain she would parent her daughter. She chose Adoption.com rather than working through an agency and filtered profiles by Utah location and shared religious values. Over the next few weeks, she spoke to a dozen prospective adoptive families, comparing couples who were new to adoption, families with biological children, those who only adopted, and various combinations.

Most importantly, several families connected her with birth mothers from prior placements, allowing her to hear firsthand about joys, challenges, and nuanced realities. Kaylee approached these conversations with remarkable courage, telling them she didn't want the glorified, sugar-coated version. She wanted the good and the bad so she could see what her life would actually look like after placement. She also spoke with single parents to fully understand her parenting option, gathering information from every possible angle.

Research confirms that peer support and experiential information are significant protective factors. In a qualitative study published in BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, researchers studied 51 birth mothers. They identified emotional, practical, informational, and peer support before, during, and after placement as major influences on long-term well-being. Kaylee's intentional research gave her confidence because she had explored every option thoroughly. When you seek out every single option available, you can make decisions for yourself rather than because of external pressure.

When Families Focus on the Person, Not Just the Pregnancy  

As Kaylee continued her conversations with multiple families, one connection stood out from all the others. She connected with the Courtneys through Adoption.com and met Elizabeth over FaceTime. Although Elizabeth had initial reservations from a previous difficult experience, their conversation quickly felt authentic. When they met in person for breakfast, Elizabeth was jumping up and down with excitement, creating an immediate connection. Kaylee sensed they might be a match, but something else stood out even more.

The Courtneys rarely talked about the baby during their time together. Instead, they asked about Kaylee's interests, her dreams, and her life beyond the pregnancy. This genuine curiosity about who she was as an individual created the foundation for friendship rather than transaction. While they did have necessary conversations about how the adoption would work, the focus remained on getting to know Kaylee as a person worth knowing and loving.

This distinction reveals what authentic open adoption can become. Kaylee admits there were a few families during her search where she felt they were performing kindness just to get the baby. With the Courtneys, the relationship felt real from the beginning. Some families she spoke with didn't care to know about what she wanted in her future or the baby's future. They focused only on how they would raise the child. Kaylee wanted to know how she fit into the picture and how she would remain part of her child's life. For adoptive families hoping to connect with birth mothers, being 100% authentically yourself matters because you won't match with someone you truly connect with if you're performing or pretending.

Building Genuine Friendship During Pregnancy  

When Kaylee was 23 weeks pregnant, she decided the Courtneys were her family. She took a two-week trip with her mother to let the decision settle rather than announcing immediately. Throughout their relationship, the Courtneys had joked about their ranking in what they playfully called "the Bachelor adoption." When Kaylee returned from her trip, she had a friend make rose cupcakes and told them, "Here's the final rose because you're my final family." This creative announcement brought joy and relief while honoring their shared humor.

After the selection, both families spent the remaining pregnancy months developing genuine friendship. They gathered at least weekly, continuing their pattern of focusing conversations on Kaylee's life and interests. Elizabeth arranged a maternity photo shoot for Kaylee, recognizing the importance of preserving pregnancy memories even though she wouldn't be parenting. This acknowledgment demonstrated that Kaylee's experience was meaningful and worthy of celebration. Research analyzing birth mother experiences in Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services shows that birth mothers who feel honored and supported throughout pregnancy experience better emotional adjustment following placement.

The friendship they built during this time created trust that would sustain their open adoption relationship for years. Instead of treating pregnancy as a waiting period before receiving a baby, the Courtneys invested in a relationship with Kaylee that went beyond the adoption itself.

Love Surrounding Everyone in the Delivery Room  

The months of building trust and friendship culminated in a birth experience that honored everyone involved. When Posey arrived on Halloween, Kaylee labored to nine centimeters without realizing she was in active labor. She texted the Courtneys at 3 AM thinking she had pre-labor cramps, and six hours later when her mom insisted they go to the hospital, Kaylee was shocked to learn she was about to give birth. Both families rushed to be present in what Kaylee describes as a sacred experience.

Richard rubbed her feet while Elizabeth held her hand during delivery, demonstrating their presence for Kaylee as a person rather than simply waiting to receive a baby. The most emotional moment came when Kaylee listened to her daughter's heartbeat. She remembers not wanting to let it go, telling her mom she could listen to that sound forever. This visceral moment reveals the depth of love behind placement decisions. The support she received during this vulnerable time created memories of being surrounded by love rather than feeling alone in her sacrifice.

After Posey was born, the Courtneys waited hours before holding her, insisting that Kaylee initiate that moment. Richard cut the umbilical cord, a first for him after his wife's previous C-sections. This approach honored Kaylee's role while welcoming them into their new role. According to Adoption Network statistics, approximately 95% of modern domestic infant adoptions include some level of openness, reflecting the shift toward relationship-based adoption practices.

The Weight of Signing Papers and Finding Peace  

Despite the support surrounding her and the certainty she felt about her decision, the next day brought the hardest moment of Kaylee's journey. She signed relinquishment papers with Elizabeth and Richard present. This was the hardest part of her entire journey, taking approximately 20 minutes to sign the final signature. While she knew she would see Posey again and remain in contact with the family, the action of legally relinquishing parental rights felt incredibly heavy. It wasn't like signing a school waiver; it was signing away her child for life. The moment she signed, relief washed over her with the knowledge that Posey was in amazing hands.

Her mother reminded her in the hospital that she didn't have to go through with placement, that she still had a choice. Kaylee responded that she wasn't regretting her decision; it was just hard. This distinction between difficulty and regret matters enormously. The weight of signing papers doesn't mean the decision was wrong; it means the decision was significant.

When asked if it would have been easier to wait longer before placement, her answer was immediate. Waiting would have been harder, and she believes if she had taken Posey home, she wouldn't have placed her. For Kaylee, signing papers in the hospital while surrounded by support was the right timing. She's never second-guessed that decision.

Challenging the Misconception That Birth Mothers Don't Care  

One of the most damaging myths about adoption is that birth mothers place children because they don't care enough. When this misconception was posed to Kaylee directly, her response was immediate and emotional. She placed Posey for adoption precisely because she loved her so deeply. Recognizing she couldn't provide the life Posey deserved at age 19, she made the most loving choice possible.

The frustration in her voice when discussing this misconception reveals how hurtful it is when people misunderstand adoption placement as abandonment. She explains that placing Posey was the hardest thing she's ever done, and she did it because she loved her daughter enough to want the best for her. People say birth mothers didn't love them enough, but the reality is the opposite: she loved them more. This perspective shift is essential for understanding adoption. Placement decisions often come from deep love, not lack of it.

Studies published by American Adoptions indicate that birth mothers in open adoptions tend to have lower levels of chronic grief and depression compared to those in closed adoptions. The ability to maintain connection and witness their child thriving provides reassurance that the placement decision was made out of love and continues to benefit everyone involved.

Weekly Visits and Integrated Family Life  

Kaylee now lives the reality of truly open adoption with daughter Posey and the Courtney family. They see each other weekly for family activities; she coaches their oldest son in tennis, and her siblings visit just to hang out. Living 30 minutes apart enables genuine extended family connection rather than occasional supervised visits or mere photo updates. She acknowledges that most open adoption relationships don't function at this level of integration.

The foundation for this ongoing relationship was built through authentic connection during pregnancy and the Courtneys' consistent demonstration that they valued Kaylee as a person worthy of love and inclusion. The weekly gatherings that started during pregnancy simply continued after placement, evolving naturally as their relationship deepened. Her family adores Posey, with her sister showing pictures at school and calling her "my little niece."

This level of openness requires adoptive families who genuinely care about birth mothers beyond the adoption itself. The Courtneys welcomed Kaylee and her family into their lives permanently, not just temporarily during pregnancy. Their investment in relationship rather than transaction created an adoption experience that added love to everyone's lives instead of simply redirecting it.

A Message to Posey and the Power of Being Seen  

When asked what message she would give Posey at age 16, Kaylee's answer reveals the heart of her adoption story. She tells her daughter that she had the biggest plan to be here, that God made sure she came with the greatest plan, and that she was so loved and cared for by everyone involved and always will be. This perspective frames adoption not as abandonment but as intentional love creating an expanded family.

Kaylee hopes Posey grows up knowing how much she is loved by everyone. Most importantly, she hopes Posey understands how much her birth mother loves her. Placing her for adoption was the hardest thing Kaylee ever had to do, and she wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for Posey and the desire to give her the best life possible.

Her story demonstrates that positive adoption experiences happen when birth mothers are seen as complete people worthy of love, respect, and an ongoing relationship. The Courtneys didn't just want a baby; they wanted Kaylee in their lives permanently. This investment in genuine connection created an open adoption that functions more like extended family than the traditional closed adoption model.

Her courage to seek unfiltered truth, demand authenticity, and trust her instincts led to a placement decision she's never questioned. The weekly visits, integrated family relationships, and mutual love demonstrate that adoption can add richness to everyone's lives when approached with honesty and genuine care. According to Child Welfare Information Gateway, open adoption relationships work best when all parties maintain clear communication, mutual respect, and a genuine commitment to the child's wellbeing. Kaylee's relationship with the Courtneys exemplifies these principles in action.

For birth mothers considering adoption, Kaylee's experience offers hope that the right family truly does exist, and being valued as a person matters just as much as finding the right home for your child. Her advice is straightforward: seek out every single option before choosing, and choose adoption for yourself rather than because of external pressure. Parents of women facing unplanned pregnancies should offer patience and unconditional love, supporting their daughters no matter what they decide. The freedom to choose without pressure creates decisions people can own completely.

Visit choosingadoption.com to hear more birth mother stories and access resources for those navigating adoption decisions.

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