Birth Mother Challenges Give Up Language with Placement Truth

Emily was 16 years old when she discovered she was pregnant. The conversation with her mother that day could have gone countless directions, but what happened next created the foundation for a decision Emily has never regretted in 25 years. Her mother wrapped her arms around her and said they would get through it together. No judgment, no anger, just love and the promise of support.

In this episode of Choosing Adoption, host Donna Pope explores Emily's birth mother journey, from discovering her pregnancy to walking her daughter down the aisle at her wedding 25 years later. Her story demonstrates that placement decisions made out of deep love, supported by families who refuse to apply pressure, can create adoption relationships that honor everyone involved.

When Parents Create Space for Choice  

Emily told her mother about the pregnancy the same day she found out. Despite being scared about her mother's reaction, she knew she would be loved no matter what. Her mother's response exceeded even that expectation. Instead of disappointment or anger, she received an embrace and reassurance.

When Emily began counseling at an adoption agency, her counselor met with her parents and made one thing clear: this was Emily's decision. They could not put any sort of pressure on her either way because this was something she would have to live with her whole life. The decision needed to be hers and hers alone. Her parents respected this completely, always trying to be supportive of whatever Emily would decide.

Emily's father also handled the news well, showing emotion but always demonstrating love and grace. The family made it clear that if Emily chose to raise the baby, they would help financially and support her as long as needed. They wouldn't be raising the baby for her, but they would be there helping her through it. This honest approach gave Emily room to consider both paths realistically without feeling coerced toward either option.

Research published in The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry confirms that this kind of non-coercive support matters. In a study of 223 birth mothers and 141 adoption professionals, researchers found that many birth mothers later regretted placement decisions when they felt they had not fully understood the lifelong impacts. Emily's parents created an environment where she could explore all options thoroughly before choosing.

Missing Pieces She Wanted Her Daughter to Have  

Emily describes herself as capable of being a good mother even at 16. That wasn't the question. Instead, she felt she was missing some pieces she wanted for her daughter. She couldn't provide the time, attention, and focus a child needed while she was still in high school. She thought about the kind of life she wanted for her daughter and realized she couldn't give that yet.

The birth father, also 16, was kind and supportive. When Emily told him she was considering adoption, he simply said it was up to her and he would support whatever she decided. Later, in the hospital after their daughter was born, he offered to step up if Emily wanted to parent together. But Emily had already seen too many signs that adoption was the right path. She told him she really thought this was what was best.

This thoughtful consideration of what her daughter needed, separate from what Emily herself wanted, reveals the heart of placement decisions made out of love. Emily wasn't incapable or uncaring. She was thinking about her daughter's future with the kind of maternal love that puts a child's needs first.

Choosing the Right Family Through Listening to Feelings  

Emily's social worker gave her a stack of adoptive family profiles and asked her to narrow it down to two or three. As Emily read through them, her first thought was that every single one would be amazing. They all deserved to have a baby. But she felt there was one right family out there for her daughter, and she wanted to pick that one.

She started noticing she was drawn to families that had a little boy already. Her own older brother had been a huge support during this difficult time, very protective of her. She thought about wanting her daughter to have a big brother too. This narrowed her choices to two families, both with three-year-old boys.

When Emily asked her parents how to choose between them, they taught her something valuable about listening to her own instincts. They told her she would know. When she was laying in bed at night thinking about the families, which one came to mind the most? Which image or thought kept returning?

Emily put this to the test. As she lay there, one family's picture kept coming to her mind. Even when she tried to push that picture away and think of the other family, it wouldn't work. The picture was stuck in her brain. She couldn't push it away. That's when she felt like she was receiving a message about the right choice.

When Connection Feels Like Family From the Start  

The face-to-face meeting with the family confirmed Emily's feelings in ways she couldn't fully describe. When she walked into the room with them, it felt familiar, like she already knew them. There was an instant family bond and trust. The little boy, Billy, kept coming up to give her big hugs.

One tangible confirmation stood out. It's customary to bring gifts at these meetings. Emily had made her daughter a quilt. The adoptive mother, Denise, had made Emily a fabric-covered photo album. When they handed the gifts to each other, they realized that out of thousands of baby prints available in dozens of fabric stores between their homes, they had picked the exact same fabric.

The odds of that happening by random chance seem impossible. These small confirmations gave Emily comfort moving forward. She needed to know she was choosing the right family, and these moments of connection reassured her.

The naming of her daughter provided another confirmation. When the adoptive parents asked if Emily had thought of any names, she hadn't. She assumed they would choose and she was comfortable with that. They shared that the dad liked Sarah and the mom liked Elizabeth, so they were thinking of Sarah Elizabeth. But whenever they asked their son Billy what the baby's name would be, he insisted it was Beth, no matter how many times they suggested other options.

As they continued exchanging gifts, Emily's grandmother had sent something. Her grandmother would have been there because they were very close, but she was fighting cancer at the time. When the adoptive parents opened the gift, the inscription inside said "Love Grandma Beth." As soon as they saw the name Beth, everyone started crying. Billy was right. Beth was her name. When Emily's grandmother passed away about a year and a half later, they all felt like Grandma Beth had become her guardian angel.

Sacred Moments in the Hospital  

Emily was scared of delivery, joking that her body didn't know what to do and would spontaneously combust. But when Beth was born and Emily heard that first cry, something shifted. There's something so sacred about witnessing a child's birth. She felt instant love and tried to stay present, not thinking about what was to come. She just wanted to enjoy every little moment with Beth, holding onto these precious moments even though there were only a few.

Family came to visit. Grandma Beth held her granddaughter. Cousins visited. The birth father's family came. It was really special.

During that time, Emily had a moment where she could have changed her mind. The birth father brought it up when they were alone with the baby. He said they could still keep her, that he would step up and they could do this if that's what Emily wanted. Emily felt that temptation to change course. But she had seen too many signs that adoption was the right path. She told him no, she really thought this was what was best.

The Hardest Thing She's Ever Done  

The placement happened at the adoption agency. Both families were there in separate rooms, then met together briefly. Emily says nothing could have prepared her for that experience. She knew it would be hard, but it became the hardest thing she's ever had to do.

At first, she started telling the adoptive parents practical things about Beth, like when she had her bottle and that she needed to be changed. Emily was talking to them as if she was handing Beth to a babysitter. Then she stopped herself. They were Beth's parents. They knew what to do. They didn't need advice from a 16-year-old on how to care for a newborn.

Emily had specifically requested to hand Beth to her dad first. Her own dad is like a teddy bear, and she wanted Beth held by her dad first. She placed Beth in his arms, walked away, walked out the door, got in her car with her parents, and cried the whole way home.

She cried for probably the next six months. It was the most heartache and painful experience she's ever had, something she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy. But even on those darkest nights when she couldn't sleep, she never doubted her decision. She was always willing to make that sacrifice for Beth because she knew Beth was where she needed to be. She was given many moments of peace knowing that, and it brought her comfort.

According to research published in BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, emotional support before, during, and after placement significantly influences birth mothers' long-term well-being. Emily's support system helped her navigate the complexity of emotions that followed.

When Grief and Peace Live Together  

Emily learned to separate Beth before placement and Beth after placement in her mind. When she received pictures and letters from the adoptive family, she felt overjoyed. She was so happy for Beth, grateful for the family, and felt peace and joy looking at those updates. But when she thought about their time in the hospital and how much she missed her baby, that's when the heartache came.

The first six months to a year involved a constant mix of emotions. Daily, she felt peace and joy alongside heartache, grief, and loss. It was an interesting time of holding two seemingly opposite feelings at once. She had to trust that things were unfolding as they should, that Beth was being cared for and loved.

Emily's parents went through this experience alongside her. They saw the miracles and the heartache. They lost their first granddaughter. Emily's grandmother lost her first great-grandchild. Emily's brother lost his first niece. The whole family felt the weight of the decision while also supporting Emily completely.

Building a Life and Telling Her Husband  

A couple years after placement, Emily met her husband. About two weeks after they started dating, she told him about Beth. It was such a big part of her life that she couldn't wait to tell him, though she was nervous he might judge her. She knew he was a great guy with strong values, and she hoped he would be understanding.

The first thing he said was simply, "Wow, that must have been really hard." Hearing that empathy was huge for Emily. He wanted to know about Beth, so Emily showed him all the pictures and letters. Ever since then, he's been very much a part of the story. Interestingly, he really loves Beth like a daughter too, even though he wasn't there when she was born or when she was placed. He still feels paternal feelings for her.

Twenty-Five Years Later: The Reunion  

When Beth turned 17, Emily felt strongly that she wanted to write her a letter. Beth would be 18 the next year, a big time of life. Emily wanted to check in and let Beth know she was thinking about her. She sent the letter through the adoption agency but never received a response.

What Emily didn't know was that letters had stopped going through properly. Around the same time, Emily's sister did an Ancestry DNA test because her husband is adopted and wanted to find his birth family. Emily's sister called, excited, when she realized Beth had also done the DNA test and they had found her. Emily was hesitant at first because she didn't know why Beth had done it or if she wanted contact. But her sister suggested that maybe this was a way for them to find each other again since the letters weren't getting through.

Emily reached out to Beth's adoptive mother on Facebook, being careful not to push any boundaries. She simply shared her information and said there was no pressure, but if they wanted to contact her, she would love that. The adoptive mother immediately messaged back, thrilled and excited. She said Beth had been wanting to meet Emily and hoped she could make it to Beth's high school graduation just a few months away.

They started by emailing to ease into the relationship. Both Emily and Beth have similar personalities, both very cautious and slow-moving. They built a beautiful relationship through emails before meeting in person. When they finally met, with Emily's husband and Beth's parents present, it felt just like the initial face-to-face meeting years ago. It felt familiar, like they were family, like no time had passed.

Emily got to see this beautiful young woman who was loving, smart, kind, and talented. All the things Emily had wanted for Beth, she had. Emily felt so grateful.

A Relationship Without Jealousy  

People often have a hard time imagining that a reunion could involve good feelings between everyone, that there could be genuine connection full of love without competition or resentment. Emily was surprised by how much her husband wanted to be part of the reunion and how the things she was feeling, he was feeling too.

Her relationship with Beth's adoptive mother became something special. The adoptive mother explained her perspective beautifully: She doesn't feel jealous or envious when she sees Beth have special moments with Emily. She recognizes that Beth is ultimately God's child, and he has allowed both of them to be part of her life in different ways. Both roles are beautiful and important. There are things the adoptive mother can give Beth that Emily can't and has given her whole life. There are things Emily can provide for Beth that the adoptive mother can't. Together, they make a beautiful team.

Studies published by American Adoptions indicate that birth mothers in open adoptions tend to have lower levels of chronic grief and depression compared to those in closed adoptions. The ability to maintain connection and witness their child thriving provides reassurance that placement decisions were made out of love.

This perspective challenges common fears about open adoption. When adoptive parents feel secure in their role and birth mothers feel valued as people, relationships can flourish without competition. It's not about one mother being more important than the other. It's about recognizing that a child can be loved by many people in different ways, and that love expands rather than divides.

Being Included in Life's Biggest Moments  

Over the years, Emily and Beth developed a relationship where they get together a few times each year, keep in touch through texts and phone calls, and attend each other's important events. Emily's children love Beth and see her as a bonus half-sister. When Beth has events, Emily's family attends. When Emily's children have events, Beth comes.

When Beth got engaged, she asked Emily if she would sing at her wedding. Emily felt so honored. Being able to participate in Beth's wedding at all wasn't something she ever thought she would get to experience on this earth. Every opportunity Beth gives her feels like a huge blessing.

Two days before the wedding, Beth came to a bridal shower for Emily's daughter who was also getting married a month later. Beth mentioned she was going dress shopping that day because she didn't like how her original dress looked on her. Emily asked if she'd like her to come along, and Beth said yes.

Finding a bridal shop on Saturday evening two days before a Monday wedding seemed impossible. Most were closed or booked. Both their phones died because both of them are notorious for forgetting to charge them, a trait Emily passed on to Beth. When they got their phones working again, Emily randomly found a woman five minutes from her house who rents wedding dresses out of her basement.

They showed up at 8pm and were there for two hours. Beth found the perfect dress. It fit without needing alterations. She looked beautiful. Emily kept looking around thinking about how surreal it was to be dress shopping with her daughter who she placed for adoption. She never thought she would experience that moment.

At the wedding, as Emily and Beth sang their duet together, time seemed to stand still. Emily's husband said he felt the same thing. They kept looking around thinking about whether anyone else was witnessing this miracle. Emily had flashbacks to 25 years ago, wondering if somehow it was known then that they would be at this moment in this way. Maybe that's the peace that helped her make that decision and go through with it. Maybe somehow her spirit knew it would all be okay.

Advice Worth Hearing  

When asked what she would tell a 16-year-old facing a similar decision, Emily's advice focuses on trust. Trust your feelings and trust yourself. Looking back, it seems like she just knew adoption was right. But it was actually a process. Little by little, there were things that built up to her decision. Once she made that decision, she received quick confirmation. The key is looking for those moments when you're being guided and trusting those feelings and thoughts.

For parents of daughters who might face this situation, Emily draws on her own mother's example. Everyone makes mistakes. When people make mistakes, the most important thing is making sure they know they can turn to you for help and support. Anyone going through an unplanned pregnancy is feeling fear, confusion, and shame. They don't need to be shamed more than they're already feeling. Show them love and direct them where they can find hope and answers.

Research from The National Center for Education Statistics shows that young mothers face significant educational challenges, with only 40% completing high school by age 22. Parents who provide realistic information about both parenting and adoption options, without applying pressure either way, help their daughters make informed decisions they can own completely.

For adoptees wondering about their birth mothers' feelings, Emily wants them to know something clear. Every birth mother she has ever met loves their child like any mother would. She has met with birth mothers frequently through support groups and individual connections. Every single one loves their child. Birth mothers want adoptees to feel loved and to understand that placement decisions were made because birth mothers wanted their children to have the best chance at life.

Challenging Harmful Language  

The phrase "give up" has always bothered Emily. People commonly say that birth mothers "gave up" their children, and it stings because it feels harsh. Emily and others in the adoption community use the word "place" instead. They placed children for adoption. They placed children in the arms of loving families.

In a song Emily wrote to Beth, she addresses this directly: "I didn't give you up. I gave a mother's love." That phrase can mean two things. She gave Beth her love as Beth's birth mother. And she gave Beth her adoptive mother who loves her very much. Emily wants adoptees to know they are loved. Now they have two mothers' love.

This reframing matters enormously. Language shapes how we understand adoption. When we say birth mothers "gave up" their children, we imply abandonment or lack of caring. When we say they "placed" their children, we recognize intention and love. When we go further and say they "gave a mother's love," we capture the truth that placement decisions often come from the deepest kind of maternal love.

When Love Creates Families in Unexpected Ways  

Emily's story demonstrates what becomes possible when everyone involved prioritizes love over fear, when birth mothers make decisions without pressure, when adoptive parents welcome birth families without jealousy, and when children grow up knowing they are loved by many people in different ways.

Not every adoption story looks like Emily's. Not every birth mother experiences reunion. Not every open adoption functions at this level of integration. But Emily's experience shows what can happen when the foundation is built on respect, authentic relationships, and recognition that love expands rather than divides.

Twenty-five years after the hardest decision of her life, Emily watched her daughter get married. She went dress shopping with her. She sang at her wedding. She maintains a relationship with Beth's adoptive parents built on mutual respect and gratitude. Her own children love Beth. Her husband has paternal feelings for her. Together, they all make what the adoptive mother called a beautiful team.

Emily's mother wrapped her arms around her 25 years ago and said they would get through it together. That promise has been kept in ways no one could have imagined. The love that started with a mother's embrace has multiplied and expanded, creating a family that looks different than expected but functions exactly as families should: with love, support, and room for everyone.

For birth mothers considering placement, Emily offers hope. The hardest decision can also be the right one. Grief and peace can coexist. And sometimes, love creates families in ways no one could have written. You don't give up your child. You give a mother's love.

Visit choosingadoption.com to hear more birth mother stories and access resources for those navigating adoption decisions.

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